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Virgin Trains - not exactly first class

I would never travel first class on a UK train under normal circumstances. The cost is prohibitive and no journey is long enough to really merit it. Yet I collect my tickets from the little red machine, only to discover that I will be traveling among the gentler classes. I’m still not entirely sure how this happened. The price I paid seemed reasonable but I know, from previous encounters with Virgin’s website, that little makes sense when booking online.

I gingerly board the train and head to coach A. I was dressed in my usual scruffy fashion and expected to be outed as an impostor immediately. Did the conductor, sorry, train manager, look askance at me when he clipped my ticket? Never mind, we’re pulling away from Edinburgh Waverly and I seem to have made the grade.

Thus far, the first class experience has amounted to increased legroom, and a perspex barrier between me and the Geordies drinking cider. Sadly that half shit, half nuclear cleaning product stench had seeped into the premier coach. Surely it should be hermetically sealed or something? I turn my attention to the brochure that was on my seat. What free stuff do I get? It mentions complimentary tea or coffee and ’snacks’. Not all that promising then. I decide to keep my powder dry on the snack front.

I cherry pick the glossier bits of my newspaper and start to enjoy the journey. It’s hard not to enjoy the verdant countryside of Scotland and northern England, especially as it’s shrouded in an eerie mist this morning. No sooner do I get comfortable though, the PA crackles with some ‘bad news’. Apparently some power lines have draped themselves across the tracks and the train will be terminating in Berwick.

Realising my first class adventure was coming to an end, I make a frenzied dash for the buffet car for my free cup of tea. No sooner do I enter her realm, the woman I hope will give me drinks and snacks, scowls at me. ‘We’re closed! The train is terminating at North Berwick!’ she snaps. ‘Didn’t you hear the announcement?’ she adds in the tone you might use on someone else’s stupid five year old. My dream over, I trudge back to my seat. I get a sympathetic look from one of the Geordies. He’s doesn’t fancy being stuck in Berwick either.

Back at my seat, annoyed and humiliated, I begin drafting the letter of complaint I’ll be sending, probably from Berwick. I’ll make sure that bint is dunking teabags on a train to Barrow and Furness this time next week. Her days on the east coast mainline are numbered. I cackle softly, eliciting a couple of stares from my fellow gentiles.

Before I’ve actually settled on a salutation, there’s another crackle. We’ve had a reprieve it seems, and will arrive in York as advertised. My vitriol recedes at this news. I realise too, that in my vitriol over a cup of a tea, I hadn’t actually spent any thought on how I’d get to my destination if the tracks were blocked. Thoughts of complaint letters vanish and I start looking forward to that cup of tea.

After a dignified pause, I retrace my steps to the crone’s lair. The scowl still remains on the woman’s face, I think it might even have worsened with the news she won’t be getting an early mark. I pull out my coupon with a flourish. Her scowl is quickly replaced with an obsequious smile. ‘Oh sir, if I’d known you were in first class…’ she swoons. I entertain some uncharitable thoughts but smile magnanimously. I head back to my seat with a tea bag in hot water and a kit-kat and a few sweets. This time the cider drinker doesn’t smile.

So there you go, paying a few extra quid on a train, doesn’t get you much. It does mean miserable sycophants treat are more likely to give you tea though. Face it, if you want to experience the romance and majesty of train travel, try France, Germany, India or China. Basically, anywhere but bloody Britain.

Tags: england, first class, rant, train, Travel, virgin

Remember the Erikson golden age?

I just watched a dismal performance by the ever insipid England football team. Needing only a draw to qualify for Euro 2008, they lurched to a 3-2 defeat at home to an impressive Croatian team.

McClaren opted for a change in goal and Carson promptly threw one in with his first touch of the game. They never got going after that and conceded another soon after. Shell shocked at half time, the hard working Peter Crouch was the only player who had looked interested. Could McClaren turn it around?

He wheeled out Beckham and also brought on Defoe after the break. Say what you will about Beckham as he drifts into the winter of his career, but he did lift the crowd and he sprinted to take each free kick and corner.

Defoe then won a lucky penalty. He was pulled back in a pretty innocuous position by, Canberra born Simunic, he of the three yellow cards. Next, Beckham hit an inch perfect ball into Crouch who shoed it in. 2-2, the fairytale recovery looks on.

Not for long though. More than a few of the England team were shaking hands with the queen when Croatia notched a third. Ten minutes of route one football came to nothing and England were left hoping that Andorra would grab a last minute equalizer against Russia. Of course this didn’t happen.

Meanwhile, Sven’s Manchester City sit third in the table above Chelsea and Liverpool. He suddenly seems like a genius…

Tags: england, football, rant

Submit your 2 minute green film!

I’ve come across an a (really) short film competition that’s being run by Doc/Fest Sheffield. They are asking you to upload your 2 minute film to myspace by February 22nd.

The rules are a bit vague but essentially they’re looking for a 2 minute film on the environment.

It could be about an obsession with recycling the smallest scrap of paper; always taking the bus instead of the car; maybe your mad neighbour has plans to build a kooky contraption for powering their house? Or, maybe you know someone who refuses to do anything to help save the planet. Tell us your story.

It sounds like they want it shot with your camera phone and it’s not clear if editing is allowed. In any case it’s a cool idea and should be fun. Plus there are prizes -

the winner of Mini Green Docs will have their film screened at the launch of the Sheffield Docfest Tour in association with the BFI on the 7th March, at The Barbican. They will also receive a free Delegate Pass to The Sheffield Docfest in November 2007. The winner and two runners up will be given tickets to the launch of the Sheffield Docfest Tour and will be invited to attend a VIP drinks reception.

Interestingly, I also learned that Doc/Fest is the world’s first carbon neutral film festival. They had a CO2 audit done (which is available for download from their site) and have procured sufficient carbon credits to offset the 83 tonnes of greenhouse gases said to be associated with the festival.

Tags: aggregation, art, england, film